I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to go about this whole writing piece and have written and rewritten it over and over again. I figured instead of stressing myself out about grammar and saying things the right way, I’ll just share my story instead. So yeah, I’ve had an abortion.
It was November 2022, 2 weeks before my birthday. I was headed to the hospital for an ECT appointment, probably around my 10th one. ECT is a medical treatment where they electrically stimulate your brain, i.e., I was having controlled seizures induced in my body. I was recieving this treatment for my treatment-resistent mental health disorders and it was a last resort after years of other treatments weren’t working long term. That exact morning my boyfriend at the time left the country for a 9 month rotation with the United States Armed Forces. It was a normal appointment; I had my vitals taken, I changed into a hospital gown and the nurse inserted an iv while asking me about any side effects or symptoms I may be having. I told her I was experiencing RELENTLESS nausea, specifically that week and especially that day, which is a common side effect of ECT, though I thought the throwing up was mostly anxiety from my partner leaving the country for the next 9 months. She decided it would be best to do a pregnancy test, especially since I was about to be put under anesthesia and have electric currents sent through my body. Of course, the test came back positive.
My head immediately filled with self criticism and judgement. “Congratufuckinglations, you’re basically a teen mom. How could you let this happen to you? Play stupid games win shitty prizes, you did it to yourself.” Only, it wasn’t my voice in my head telling me those things, it was comments I’ve read on social media, articles I’ve read in the news, yells from protests I heard outside. (And for the sake of clarity, I personally don’t believe that having children young is a bad thing. I had friends who conceived children shortly after I did who currently have beautiful, happy, healthy families.) Society trained me to blame and shame myself over something that used to be a part of human nature. .
I remember like it was yesterday going back home and bawling on my living room floor. My boyfriend was on a plane to another country and I had to wait hours to tell him during his layover. During those hours I spiraled in silence. When he finally called, I cried so hard I had a panic attack. It was unspoken we both knew what the decision was, but I wanted to sleep on it and talk about it the next day. I was up all night crying and the next day called my doctor, whom I have a close relationship with. We talked about all of it; what I wanted, what I needed, what life could be like with any of my options (abortion, adoption, and keeping the baby), etc.. That phone call solidified my thoughts and feelings from the day before, and I ended up scheduling a termination.
I had an abortion 3 days before my 22nd birthday.
For the record, it was not an easy thing to go through. I felt sad, empowered, guilty, relieved, guilty for feeling relieved, angry, confused, and completely lost. But writing this now, a year and a half since, I can honestly say I feel more grateful than anything, and that gratitude continues to grow and grow each day that passes. This is something I will carry with me for the rest of my life, as it is for every other person who’s had an abortion. But HOW we choose to carry on is completely up to us. This experience isn’t something I feel guilty of anymore. It’s not a heavy burden, it’s not a mistake. It’s part of my life, who I am now, and who I will be in the future. I’m only 23. In the last year and a half I’ve gone through immense changes. I have goals I never imagined having or ever felt capable of, I now have neverending love for myself, and I am so, so hopeful and look forward to new relationships, accomplishments, and experiences in both the near and far future. Having the choice of a legal and safe abortion has given me endless hope and opportunity to not only be a good mother in the future but to also accomplish and achieve all of my dreams and more before CHOOSING motherhood.
I share my story anonymously out of fear (but it shouldn't have to be that way). We should not have to fear making a choice. We should never be forced to make a choice. And we shouldn’t have to constantly question the choices we make. But being who I am right now and knowing the things I do, if I were to go back in time I would still make the same choice. My heart is with the future young “me”s and “you”s, and hoping they truly get the rights to make that choice.
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